Carousel of Broken Dreams: Idealized fantasy to harsh reality

"As we face the unknown of the future it is important to realize the essence of some forgotten truths from the past"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

A point came in my life when I realized that all I had believed to be true as a child, was a façade, a lie, a terrible deception. Just some words said to make me feel safe, happy, and hopeful for the future. When I was young everyone was nice to me, they gave me gifts, made funny faces at me, played with me, protected me. They created a safe place. A place where someone always made sure that I got fed, was warm, and soothed. As I grew older I started to see less and less of this free love. Suddenly there was no one there to tuck me in at night, to make sure I wasn’t hungry, or to comfort me when I felt sad. Suddenly I had to work for those things. I had to be charming, smart, and good at something, or at least just good looking to get attention. To get love. To feel worthy.

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In 10 photos I tell this story.  This theme seems to be reflected in so many aspects and situations of life, that its just another cycle; up with hope, belief, and winning, down with distrust, apathy and failure. A constant turning ride with the illusion of a destination, but will always be just more turning.

The carousel in this story is broken down, rusted, and forgotten. No children play here.  A metaphor for the way I now reflect on the thoughts I had about security as a child. I can remember feeling safe. Knowing that I was protected. Now I see the truth.  I was never truly safe. No amount of running to my mother would have kept me safe from an unexpected disaster. Now that I'm an adult I can see the truth, the lie contained within it, and the necessity of the lie.

Though this theme is dark, it is not to say that everything fell apart when I realized harsh truths about the way life worked and who I was. It’s just an acknowledgement that these things existed. That there is no light without some darkness. This is my way of working through my darkness. Through photography. The entire process from conception, to editing, to publishing moves me through the difficult stages.

Tech and Team:

Model: Rebekah Pushkor

MUA: Rachel Ervin Artistry

Hair: Maddiline at Londons

Wardrobe:Vanity Fashion Boutique

Assist & Location: Ian Price

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